A dream today, but to keep things from being boring, I added some musings about life. If you're not interested in the dream, skip ahead to the bold text.
I dreamt of Anita, known to many by the pseudonym "the one I wasn't dating." The girl was driving Dima R's Zhiguli (what a trip it would be if Dima actually owned a Zhiguli).
We are driving somewhere to the Caucasus, going on vacation with a large group of friends. We are rushing at a breakneck speed along mountain serpentines. Anita drives the car with a firm hand, her concentrated, gloomy expression barely changing. Even when some hotshots are drifting in the oncoming lane. Even when the shaking causes some wires to fall out of the dashboard. Anita connects them with one hand and steers with the other.
Dima yells at her: "Wrong wires!" And indeed, they are the wrong ones. Sparks fly, but our driver twists the right ones together, and we roll on.
Someone's child is sleeping on my chest, only their legs sticking out from under my sweater. The people next to me keep reminding me to adjust my seatbelts so the kid doesn't accidentally get crushed.
In the finale, we arrive at a cave on a cliff, where we undergo some kind of medical checkup (COVID?). The doctor studies our diet. The nutritionist is very happy that both the child and I have a lot of greens in our diet. And that's where the dream ended.
And the musings are as follows. Anita and I were dating in such a format that we kind of weren't dating. Someone might say it was FWB (friends with benefits), but I'm not sure. The thing is, even though we weren't dating, we went to some events together (a symphony concert), and traveled to Portugal.
The pros of this format — you don't have to constantly provide emotional support, give gifts, text, call, and remember a ton of little details so that nobody gets offended by anything. I have a hard time understanding how much support I'm supposed to provide in a relationship, and I often get paranoid that I did something wrong.
In an ideal world, of course, everyone is responsible for their own emotional state. In reality, it doesn't work that way.
In the format Anita and I had, we mostly communicated in person. This way you can use non-verbal cues, and it's easier to understand your partner's reaction. On the other hand, my Latvian is poor, and Anita's Russian is far from perfect. The moment she'd have a drink (which happened fairly often) — we'd switch to English.
If anyone who knows me less well gets the idea that this is somewhat selfish — to hook up occasionally and not put in any effort otherwise — you're not entirely right. The thing is, Anita lived in Riga, and worked traveling all over Latvia. I live in Daugavpils. If we were dating, someone would have had to move. I don't really want to move to Riga, which I've already talked about many times.
There is a more important point too. Anita wants kids, from what I understood, and I don't really. This is significant enough not to try and start dating for real.
In the end, it all came to a close when she decided that despite the convenience, this kind of life would prevent her from being motivated to find a real partner (for a family?). And in general, she wanted to live for herself for a while. Judging by her stories, she has this problem where she spends too much time and energy taking care of her partner. She was afraid of slipping back into that behavior.
I don't think that would have happened with me. I generally don't require much maintenance, I cook and clean myself, I ride my bike for fun, and I don't talk much to my partner about my fears, heavy thoughts, and ADHD.
The only thing is that you'd have to listen to my endless monologues and cuddle. Even sex, now that I'm sick and out of shape, isn't needed much.
In any case, our non-dating ended a few years ago. Apparently, I miss her, since I'm writing all this. Anita and I never even had a single conflict, except for a lively argument in Seville. The conversation was about whether it's okay to bury plastic in the ground, and whether it's necessary to sort trash. But more on that another time.